Collection of Soviet, East German and Cold War jokes（12）

284.

The collective farmer, Ivan, caught a big fish in the river, and returned to the house with his wife happily, "Look, we have fried fish!"

"No oil."

"Then cook!"

"No pot."

"Baked fish!"

"No firewood."

Yiwan died, and walked to the river and threw the fish back. The fish scratched a semi - circular in the water, the upper body came out of the water, and raised the right fin and shouted excitedly: "Long live Stalin!"

285.

Lenin died soon, so he quickly called the heirs Stalin into the Kremlin. At the end of his life, there were a few words to entrust: "Don't hide it, I have a hidden worry, Stalin."

"Say, dear Iric." Stalin listened intently.

"That is, would people go with you? I wonder if you thought about it?"

"They will definitely follow me." Stalin emphasized, "Will!"

"I hope so." Lenin said, "I'm just worried, what if they don't follow you, what do you do?"

"Then let them go with you!"

286.

Someone reported to Khrushchev: "Now the Grand Theater is staged a drama, which appears in it. Whenever you appear, you will applaud warmly." Khrushchev was very proud of it after hearing it.

One day he bought an ordinary ticket and watched the show. He fell into thought and forgot to applause. At this time, someone pushed him next to him and said nervously:

"Hey! Why don't you applaud? Don't die?!"

287.

At the Twenty - three Congress of the CPSU, Brezhnev made a report, and he asked, "Do we have an enemy here?"

A person replied, "One, he is sitting on the No. 8 seat in the fourth row."

Bo asked: "Why is he an enemy?"

Answer: "Lenin said that the enemy would not be sleeping, and I found that there was only him who did not doze!"

288.

The speaker was making a report: a new power station was built in Leninrad.

Someone in the lobby said, "I just returned from there, there is no power station."

The speaker did not answer, and continued: "In Stalingrad, a chemical factory has been built."

Someone in the hall said, "I was there a week ago, there was no chemical factory there."

Speaker: "Comrades, you'd better travel to the west, read more newspapers! For example," Truth "!"

289.

Stalin quoted the scriptures at the conference: "Marx and Lenin said 1+1 = 2, while Trotsky and Bukhalin said that 1+1 is not equal to 3. Is Trotsky and Bukhalin? What about Lenin? "

The audience below was puzzled, "There is no doubt that Marx and Lenin said right!"

Introduction to the stage,

"Trotsky and Bukhalin are spies sent by imperialism, saying that 1+1 does not equal 3 people who are not equal to 3 ..."

290.

There is a painting describing Adam and Eve in the museum.

A British watched and said, "They must be the British, and men share with women with delicious food."

A French looked at and said, "They must be French, couples walk naked."

A Soviet looked at and said, "They must be the Soviets. They have no clothes and eat very little, but they think they are in heaven!

291.

An old man in Moscow was sloppy and accidentally fell into the road. Call for life with high!

When the two policemen heard it, if they didn't see it, they still laughed while walking.

The old man was anxious and shouted "Broken Brezhnev"!

The two policemen were shocked and jumped into the river with quickly, and dragged the old man ashore to handcuff.

292.

One day the Soviet Union held a National Day parade, and an artillery, mechanized infantry, tanks, self - propelled artillery, tactical missiles, and strategic nuclear missiles were opened along the street. The destructive power was larger than one; at the end of the queue, there were two dwarfs with briefcases.

Breognev on the stands said in surprise: "These two people are more destructive than nuclear missiles! Who are they?"

KGB's head said, "It's not my person."

The Minister of Defense said, "I haven't seen them."

The Soviet Prime Minister said: "They are from the State Planning Commission ..."

[Planning Commission: Planning Economic Committee/Discipline Inspection Commission: Disciplinary Inspection Commission]

293.

The parrot of a Moscow citizen was lost. This is a parrot that can only scold people, if it falls in KGB's hand, it will be bad.

This man issued a statement in the newspaper:

"I lose one parrot, and I don't agree with its political view."

294.

A British, a French, and a Soviet talk about what is the happiest thing in the world.

British: The happiest thing is to go home in the evening of winter and sit in front of the fireplace wearing wool pants.

French: You British are ancient boards. The happiest thing is to go to the Mediterranean with a blonde girl, and then we are good at it.

The Soviets: The happiest thing is that a policeman knocked on the door in the middle of the night. After opening the door: Ivan, you were arrested.

…: You're wrong, Ivan is next door.

295.

Brezhnev and US President Carter met in Switzerland. The rest time was boring and began to be more loyal than anyone's bodyguards.

Carter first, he called his bodyguard and pushed the window (the outside is 20 floors) and said, "John, jump from here!"

John cried and said, "How can you do this, Mr. President, I still have a wife and children."

Carter was touched, tears said that he was wrong. He called John away, and then it was Brezhnev's turn. He also called his bodyguard Ivan.

"Ivan, jump from here!"

Ivan Er has to jump down without saying. Carter hugged him and said, "Are you crazy? Will you die if you jump?"

Ivan struggled to jump down and said, "Let me go, bastard, I still have my wife and children."

296.

Lenin's wife once pointed out in person to point out Stalin's authoritarian dictatorship, which caused the latter to corrupt the latter. Stalin said, "Besides, I announce that you are not Lenin's wife! (Historical facts)

297.

Cuba held a Shanda May 1st Parade, and Castro led the party and the state leaders to attend to review the parade.

While the parade passed the podium, Comrade Castro suddenly found that someone in the crowd took out a noviceker and wiped his nose, so he immediately said to a member of the Politburo around him:

"I dare to bet, I didn't wear underwear in this person who wiped my nose with a handkerchief!"

The member disagreed, did Comrade Castro really look through? He immediately ordered the guard to call the man, and asked himself, and found that the person's trousers were really bare. The members asked the leader admired: "Comrade Castro, how do you know that he did not wear underwear through his coat?"

Castro replied: "I saw him pulling out the noviceker. His cloth ticket was obviously not used to buy underwear." Everyone was shocked and admired the leader's extraordinary insight ...

298.

After the Americans successfully landed, Brezhnev called the Soviet astronauts that day:

"Given that Americans have landed on the moon, the Soviet Union decides now and send you to the sun immediately."

The astronauts were shocked and choked: "Don't you know, Comrade Brezhnev, we will be burned to death."

Brezhnev said angrily, "Have you thought that the Politburo has not considered it? We have decided to send you to land in the sun at night!"

299.

An American delegation wants to visit a Soviet factory, and the authorities teach workers how to answer questions from the delegation in advance.

After coming to the delegation, ask an old worker for your monthly salary. The old workers answered 3,000 rubles;

The delegation asked him how many deposits had, and he answered 100,000 rubles;

The delegation asked: What did you save so much money to prepare? The old worker replied: "I'm going to buy a pair of boots."

300.

After the end of World War II, an old lady in Polish was like their nephews when they saw photos posted on the street. Essence Essence

Others reprimanded her: What is the nonsense, this is Comrade Stalin! Intersection

Old lady: What did he do?

Answer: He rushed away!

The old lady eagerly asked: Can he run away the Russians?

301.

The teacher encountered the former student Skyloff on the streets of Moscow.

The teacher said: Students are not talking about now. When I was in class, I asked them who wrote "Yefu Gini Ones". No one answered them; they asked one by one, and they actually said:

"It's not what I wrote."

Skylov: This is a problem, let me give me this.

After a week, Skylov found the teacher with great interest: I tried them for a few days, and the matter was solved. The Ivana kid recruited it, he wrote it!

teacher:…………

["Yefu Gini Ones": Famous Works of Pushkin]

302.

Go to buy newspapers and want a "Truth". Reporting and vendor answered: "Truth" is gone, only "News".

303.

When Khrushchev exposed the atrocities of Stalin in the 20th National Congress of the CPSU, someone on the stage handed the bar.

Khrushchev read the contents of the stripe on the spot: "Comrade Khrushchev, what did Stalin do these atrocities?" What did you eat? "

Then asked, "Who wrote this, please stand up!".

Three times in question, no one has stood up on the stage.

So Khrushchev said, "Let me answer you now, I was sitting in your place at that time."

304.

Brezhnev is about to visit Poland, and the Polish authorities order a famous painter to create a large oil painting entitled "Brezhnev in Poland" as a gift. The reluctant painter accepted his job under intimidation.

After the painting was completed, a senior official in Poland came to accept the acceptance, and the result surprised him: the picture was a man and a woman in a luxurious big bed, and the scenery outside the window was the Kremlin.

"What is this? Who is this woman?!" The senior official asked angrily.

"Mrs. Brezhnev." The painter replied.

"What about men?!"

"Brezhnev's secretary."

"Where is Comrade Kebrerinnev?"

"Brezhnev is in Poland," the painter replied.

305.

Soviet leaders traveling by train. At the end of the rail, the train stopped.

Lenin called: "Immediately mobilize the proletarian to work on Saturday's voluntary labor, repair the railway, and communicate directly with communism!"

Stalin smoked a cigarette and ordered it seriously: "I will adjust 1 million labor to the offender, and I can't repair the railway, all shot."

Khrushchev knocked his leather shoes and shouted, "Pick up the railway behind, and the train continues!"

Brezhnev waved his hands and said, "Sitting on the seat shaking his body and making a train look forward."

In the end, Gorbachev medant: "Demolition the train, and then assembled it when there is a railway."

So the Soviet Union disintegrated.